Pat Smurphy and Puke Thomas: An Exercise in Masturbatory Nihilism

It has become blatantly clear that Pat Smurphy's reporting would be a tragedy were it not so laughable. Like a stinkbug drawn to a flame, Smurphy, whether he knows it or not, has become charmed by Gavin “Mayor” Newsom's power and WASPy aura. The mere thought that an important figure like Newsom would halfheartedly give a heel like Smurphy the time of day makes Smurphy swell with pride and self-importance. In fact, Smurphy has come to see himself as Newsom’s good buddy, when in reality he is just one of Newsom’s ‘secret friends’: someone that Newsom patronizingly coddles out of expediency but wouldn’t invite home to meet his real friends (i.e. billionaires, vapid, shallow models, and various assundry string-pullers). Very middle schoolish.

Smurphy’s sexual obsession and dogged pursuit of Newsom has become so extreme that noted psychiatrists might argue that it borders on stalking. Every press conference, press release, and morsel excreted out of Newsom’s office is lapped up by Smurphy and posted amid great fanfare on the Sentinel. Just to prove that such events actually took place, 5 billion pictures (courtesy of Puke Thomas -- a man who likes to call himself a photojournalist because he has a fancy camera) of Newsom smiling about whatever are plastered as far as the eye can see. I have to wonder whether even Newsom feels uncomfortable with Smurphy and Puke following him everywhere.

What’s most shocking is that Smurphy is a recovering alcoholic, a recipient of Federal Supplemental Security Income, and a dweller of a subsidized building in the Tenderloin. In other words, he is the epitome of the type of person that Newsom would step on, briefly pause to look at with disgust, and then try to wipe off on the nearest fire hydrant. Meanwhile, Smurphy is also the type of person that Chris Daly has made a career out of fighting for. Smurphy should be cleaning Mr. Daly’s shoes with his tongue while thanking his lucky stays that people like Chris even exist. This is why it is so astonishing that Smurphy gives Chris the shaft any way he can.

Bottom line:

1.) The only reason to read the Sentinel anymore is to read h.’s op-eds. Personally, I am surprised that h. is willing to write for Smurphy at all (not to mention for free).

2.) Smurphy has devolved into a veritable white Uncle Tom and his sad existence seems to benefit only the people who don’t care about him while hurting the people that do.

By the way: Pat, if you are reading this, inside sources have told me that Newsom is about to sneeze. I thought that you should get the scoop. And bring Puke along with you so that Sentinel fans can see 10 trillion pictures of Newsom wiping his nose with a handkerchief.